Saturday: lying bastards and maiming jewelry

In true mediocre meteorological fashion, the weather has let me down. It was supposed to snow last night. In Florida.

The Sunshine State.

By snow, I of course mean, the tiniest, most delicate snowflakes will form, float down from the ether like miniature midget angels and immediately disappear into annoying wet vastness but not before bringing me happiness and perhaps, frostbitten nipples.

But, no. It. Did. Not. Snow.

Not one friggin mini-midget angel!

It did rain but, magically the temperature rose about 12 degrees so it was too warm to snow. And today? Today the f-ing temperature outside is a fantastic 38 degrees but is there any chance of rain? Nope.

No snow did not stop me from sleeping 5 layers deep though.

Layer 1: very sexy, 6 year old, blue and white cotton night gown with cows and burgundy yoga pants. I truly was a vision.

Layer 2: ultra soft, ultra small, fleece, lap blanket. Doesn’t quite cover my whole person but it is damn soft.

Layer 3: flannel sheet (sage in color in case you are curious).

Layer 4: dark brown duvet cover.

Layer 5: big, comfy, comforter.

THIS IS FLORIDA! Do not judge me!

The roomie even managed to get the heater in the house working too. I’m pretty sure this is the first time in 5 years we’ve used the damn thing.

This is Florida after all. (Hey, I can judge myself all I want, you cannot).

I was pretty nice and toasty, all snuggled in my bed and I did not want to get up for work today! But I did get up. I trekked through the 64 degree house and made my way through the no-snow town to work where I was lucky enough to enjoy a cozy office temperature of 57 degrees. IN THE FUCKING BUILDING! 57! Degrees! Fahrenheit! Thankfully, I was only there for 8 hours and 23 minutes.

By the time I left work, the temperature had dropped a few degrees and to simultaneously combat the cold and kick the oil companies in the junk, the entire city decided to light fires. Or, over the course of my 8+ hour work day, it became apparent that for the last 10 years, I have been living in hell and with these ricockulously low temperatures, hell has finally frozen over. Either is entirely possible because everything was hazy looking and burny smelling. I tried to take a picture but I am sure you already know how well that worked out. Seriously, why am I so freaking camera challenged?

I did learn an interesting and rather important girl lesson as a result of the cold. Today marked the end of my first week of being a high maintenance girl and to celebrate my complete dominance of this resolution, I went above a beyond with the accessories by wearing a scarf, a ring, a cuff bracelet and dangly earrings. On the car ride home, I naturally had the heat cranked up to the highest blow level, the highest heat setting and the vents pointed directly at my hands and face. I was car dancing to some ridiculously fabulous song (with all the trauma, I forgot which one) when my dangly earrings began to bump into the sides of my face. Apparently, metal dangly earrings are excellent conductors of heat when the ultra-high heat-super-max heater is blowing directly onto them and in my dance mania, I did not immediately realize that with every bop and turn of my head, I was cooking strips of my face. As soon as the pain registered, I instinctively tried to touch the burning flesh. That movement caused my big, metal, cuff bracelet to slide, burning a path up my arm before it got stuck on my forearm and attempted to burn away the obstruction that was my arm to continue its path of fiery destruction. Needless to say, the next time it is this friggin cold, I will be sure to wear stud earrings and no bracelet for my car dance parties.

Alright. It’s Saturday night, party night and I am off to purty myself up for a hot night of prowling for Mr. BS.

Who am I kidding? I’m gonna put some salve on my burns, snuggle into my 5 layers and settle in for a Law & Order marathon on USA.

Spinsterhood aint as bad as people say.

The long and the short of it

I don’t get the male fascination with girls and long hair. I don’t get the fascination of guys with long hair for that matter, but that’s a topic for a different day. I have shortish hair, it isn’t a buzz cut or the reverse mullet I used to rock or manly in any fashion but it is above my shoulders and I can’t put it in a ponytail. And, apparently, to some guys, I may as well be bald because if it aint long it aint hair.

My hair was longish, middle of my back give or take a shoulder slump, when I decided to get a super cute bob ala Katie Holmes. I really liked the cut plus I was applying for a job as the manager of a department and I wanted to look all professional and boss of people like and I didn’t really think my long, pigtail braids were gonna fit the bill. Besides, I never wore my hair down. Between health code regulations in restaurants and the hot as hell temperature in Florida (and the car with no ac in the hot as hell temperatures in Florida) my hair was always pulled up into some sort of ponytail. What’s the point in all that hair, all that V05 shampoo, all that Nice ‘N Easy if I have to spend 2.41 hours per day sculpting it into the perfect my-hair?-oh-my-gosh!-I-just-pulled-it-up-into-a-ponytail-hot, ass mess?

So, I cut it all off. Sadly, I couldn’t donate it to Locks of Love because I’m an ass and I have had highlights but I learned my lesson and henceforth, I will not have highlights with bleach in the event I grow long enough hair to chop off and donate. Yeah, I’m altruistic like that, I don’t mind saving $74 to help out the kids. So, the hair is short, I don’t look as young as I did with long hair but that goes with the boss of someone territory, but I like it, I have liked it for almost 2 years. Then some guy that didn’t even know me when my hair was longer saw a picture on Facebook or Myspace or Twitter or your third uncle’, neighbor’s, plumber’s, ex-wife’s, new girlfriend’s porn site and he commented that he like the long hair version of me. Better. Is that supposed to be a compliment?

Yeah, so, hey? You used to be pretty and now you’re just…bald.

Top job, jackass.

Usually, I like the British.

mal a driot - adjective
lacking in adroitness; unskillful; awkward; bungling; tactless

Google is taking over the world, one doodad at a time.

After my first Blogger post yesterday, I played around with it a bit and I noticed the ‘Next Blog’ tab at the top of the page. Always being down for a readingventure, I clicked the button, hoping to add a few good blogs to my daily addiction reader. I can’t figure out how they determine the ‘next’ blog. It definitely isn’t alphabetical, oldest, newest, most recent post or any other easily desernible measure. I’m sure I could google it but I was too busy being mesmerized by all of the blogs by mommies, women trying to be mommies and infertile mommy wannabes.

I must have flipped through 30 blogs last night and I didn’t find any by a man or a single, childless by choice, female blogger.

For a minute or two, I thought my spinster nightmares had come true and I was the last single woman on Earth or perhaps the blogosphere. I was on the verge of throwing myself down for the temper tantrum of the decade, (yes, that would have helped -help ensure my spinsterhood at the very least) but I decided to wait and ‘Next Blog’ today and see where that takes me.

Fortunately for all (especially me, I’m not as young as I used to be and temper tantrums take stamina) I did not have the same results. Instead of the various states of mommyhood, today, I found a variety of crafters, bloggers for Christ, blogs in other languages so I have no idea what the hell they're about, literary agents and editors, poets and children’s book authors.

Very interesting collection of stuff on these here interwebs. Very interesting. Blogger obviously has more of a blogging community than Typepad but the main reason I decided to test it as an alternative, besides allowing custom designs (for FREE!), is all of the really cool blog doodads Google has like Feedburner, Analytics, and Reader. Google is a one stop blogity shop.

Soon, it will be a one stop life shop. I think the next update to the Dashboard will allow you to turn on the coffee maker and start the car.

I'm 50/50

I guess it’s good that not being a lazy ass wasn’t one of my resolutions because I would have failed miserably by Sunday.

Seriously.

On Sunday, I woke up somewhere around 10am, managed to haul myself out of bed in the neighborhood of noon, found my way to the couch with my blanket and pillow in tow and stayed there until I went back to bed somewhere around 2.

AM.

I didn’t even bother with opening my computer. I either watched tv or my eye lids the entire day. I imagine I ate at some point but they day went by in such a hectic blur that I can’t even remember.

I redeemed myself a bit by being far more productive on Monday. I showered, dressed and left the house all because my roommate plied me with the tastiness of Sonny’s! I grocery shopped, made a barrel of chili, and knocked my dvr recordings down from 95% full to 83%.

I know there are some dissenters, people who may not find watching an entire season of Numbers in one day as particularly productive. To those people, I say you do not know the kind of dedication and willpower it takes to devote that much time to dvring. Not to mention skill. Oh yeah, there is much skill involved in prolonged tv watching. You have to stay on high alert to ensure that you change your position BEFORE the tingly feeling sets into one of your ass cheeks. If you aren’t vigilant in switching between laying and sitting and your butt falls asleep, you run the risk of slipping to the floor and possibly pulling something.

And how would you explain that injury to your coworkers and maintain your dignity?

You can’t.

So, you spend your Mondays going to work, going to school, shoveling your sidewalk, getting a perm, serving someone in the mall with your sweet dance moves, etc. and I will be at home not working or schooling or shoveling or perming or serving someone (ok, this one I am a little disappointed about – if you need an extra for your dance crew, call me up and I am so there – I love serving chumps in the mall – I got a boom box we can totally use) and I'll spend mine staying in dvr shape.

In actual resolution news, so far, I’m about 50/50.

I have not met the any men of my 2010 dreams, I have not managed to run 3 feet never mind 3 miles and the only work I’ve done on my room was a few loads of laundry.

I have written a shit ton for work but I haven’t written anything for pleasure and that was really the intent of the resolution so I don’t think I deserve credit for that.

However, I have been very good at taking everything out of my car and I have been high maintenance and girly every day for work. Actually, people at work have noticed my efforts and have been giving me such nice compliments, it’s a great boost to the ego! Everyone should wear earrings and perfume.

I haven’t worked on any design stuff but I did set up a Blogger account because they let you do custom html and they don’t even charge you (Typepad is such douche bags)! You can find me at bstalksdotcom.blogspot.com! I plan to put all new posts on both blogs while I play with designs and what not so feel free to visit me at either or both! I also now have a gmail account, bstalks.com[at]gmail[dot]com, email me or chat me up at Google Talk [bstalks] or both.

I like both.