Saturday: lying bastards and maiming jewelry

In true mediocre meteorological fashion, the weather has let me down. It was supposed to snow last night. In Florida.

The Sunshine State.

By snow, I of course mean, the tiniest, most delicate snowflakes will form, float down from the ether like miniature midget angels and immediately disappear into annoying wet vastness but not before bringing me happiness and perhaps, frostbitten nipples.

But, no. It. Did. Not. Snow.

Not one friggin mini-midget angel!

It did rain but, magically the temperature rose about 12 degrees so it was too warm to snow. And today? Today the f-ing temperature outside is a fantastic 38 degrees but is there any chance of rain? Nope.

No snow did not stop me from sleeping 5 layers deep though.

Layer 1: very sexy, 6 year old, blue and white cotton night gown with cows and burgundy yoga pants. I truly was a vision.

Layer 2: ultra soft, ultra small, fleece, lap blanket. Doesn’t quite cover my whole person but it is damn soft.

Layer 3: flannel sheet (sage in color in case you are curious).

Layer 4: dark brown duvet cover.

Layer 5: big, comfy, comforter.

THIS IS FLORIDA! Do not judge me!

The roomie even managed to get the heater in the house working too. I’m pretty sure this is the first time in 5 years we’ve used the damn thing.

This is Florida after all. (Hey, I can judge myself all I want, you cannot).

I was pretty nice and toasty, all snuggled in my bed and I did not want to get up for work today! But I did get up. I trekked through the 64 degree house and made my way through the no-snow town to work where I was lucky enough to enjoy a cozy office temperature of 57 degrees. IN THE FUCKING BUILDING! 57! Degrees! Fahrenheit! Thankfully, I was only there for 8 hours and 23 minutes.

By the time I left work, the temperature had dropped a few degrees and to simultaneously combat the cold and kick the oil companies in the junk, the entire city decided to light fires. Or, over the course of my 8+ hour work day, it became apparent that for the last 10 years, I have been living in hell and with these ricockulously low temperatures, hell has finally frozen over. Either is entirely possible because everything was hazy looking and burny smelling. I tried to take a picture but I am sure you already know how well that worked out. Seriously, why am I so freaking camera challenged?

I did learn an interesting and rather important girl lesson as a result of the cold. Today marked the end of my first week of being a high maintenance girl and to celebrate my complete dominance of this resolution, I went above a beyond with the accessories by wearing a scarf, a ring, a cuff bracelet and dangly earrings. On the car ride home, I naturally had the heat cranked up to the highest blow level, the highest heat setting and the vents pointed directly at my hands and face. I was car dancing to some ridiculously fabulous song (with all the trauma, I forgot which one) when my dangly earrings began to bump into the sides of my face. Apparently, metal dangly earrings are excellent conductors of heat when the ultra-high heat-super-max heater is blowing directly onto them and in my dance mania, I did not immediately realize that with every bop and turn of my head, I was cooking strips of my face. As soon as the pain registered, I instinctively tried to touch the burning flesh. That movement caused my big, metal, cuff bracelet to slide, burning a path up my arm before it got stuck on my forearm and attempted to burn away the obstruction that was my arm to continue its path of fiery destruction. Needless to say, the next time it is this friggin cold, I will be sure to wear stud earrings and no bracelet for my car dance parties.

Alright. It’s Saturday night, party night and I am off to purty myself up for a hot night of prowling for Mr. BS.

Who am I kidding? I’m gonna put some salve on my burns, snuggle into my 5 layers and settle in for a Law & Order marathon on USA.

Spinsterhood aint as bad as people say.