I like ‘em tall, dark and brainy.

Nine out of ten men I find attractive fit perfectly into the tall, dark and brainy category. I was gonna call it tall, dark and nerdy but I think ‘nerdy’ opens the door for the dungeons and dragons, anime, sci-fi variety a little bit too much. I don’t mind a touch of those but I’m less of a ‘dress up as a super natural being and go to Comic-Con’ and more of a ‘undress a human being and go to bed’ kinda girl.

Standing a whopping 5’3, it’s not hard to find a man that’s taller than me, but when I say tall, I’m talking a tall man’s tall. I want a guy to be able to reach any of the spices in the cabinet above the stove; reach the punch bowl that’s way in the back because we never use it but I wanted it just in case; put the angel on top of the Christmas tree and scratch that spot on my back I can’t reach (ok, to be fair, he doesn’t have to be tall to reach that spot but I like the idea of him enveloping me while scratching that itch (both of them)).

With the exception of Boomer Esiason, every man I have ever loved has had dark hair. It started in the fourth grade when I stole my first kiss from a boy named Alf (that was his nickname, thankfully, but I can’t remember his actual name, (getting old sucks)), at the skating rink. Sadly, it didn’t work out with Alf, but he did set the stage for the rest of the men to play a role in my life.

Smarts are merely the tip of the intelligent iceberg for me. I like a smart guy but I LOVE an intelligent AND intellectual (if you aren’t sure of the difference between the two, you probably aren’t either and I’m not into you) guy. Use Dante’s Inferno to describe our relationship, know why the math is wrong in Numbers and know how to properly use I in a sentence and I will be putty in your hands! Besides, I think brainy guys make the best lovers. They haven’t had a lot of experience but they have seen a lot or porn and are eager to please!

I was gonna end there but, are you watching the Golden Globes? And speaking of my ideal man, here is a little text exchange between me and my friend KJ:

BS – OMG! Sheldon is in a tux on the Golden Globes! I’m so glad I stayed home!!!

KJ – What channel! I need to see this.

BS – NBC. Google it, he is tasty!!! He def will be starring in my dreams tonight!

KJ – This moment could only be bettered by some torch smores.

BS – If Sheldon toasted them and then fed then to me whilst wearing the tux! Double yummy!

KJ – Fine! Sheldon may borrow the torch!

BS – You are a true friend!

KJ – Ok. Glee is getting ripped off!

BS – I just want to see Sheldon some more!

KJ – You should make Sheldon a blog post, with some sort of Sheldon graphic.

BS – I think that might be over the top, don’t you?

KJ – Uh, you sent like five texts about him. Do you even have an over-the-top meter?

BS – Yeah, duh, that’s how I know it’s over the top!

KJ – I think you are just doubting your graphical prowress. (sic)

BS – It’s true. I don’t think I could make anything Sheldon worthy. Nor do I think my nubile graphic abilities would even begin to touch upon the dirty desires he inspires in me.

KJ – Wow, just wow.

I'm not kidding! Holy freaking cow! Sheldon is smoking hot in a tux. If Sheldon Cooper wasn’t from Texas he would be able to give John Cusack a run for his money.

If there is a god, Sheldon will be in my dreams tonight. And John.

Your welcome!

Nite nite.

What did the 0 say to the 8?

That’s all I’ve got today.

I am mourning the possibility of my first cavity and I just don’t have it in me to regale you with the fun I had at the student dental clinic. Seriously, other than the harpy that sat next to me and proceeded to read (if you can call it reading) Going Rogue, I had a super fun time at the clinic.

Perhaps, tomorrow, I will fill you in with all the dental clinic details and my bizarre enjoyment of similar activities like extra screening at the airport and DUI check points. I’m not kidding, I really do like these things. Kind of a lot.

bitches, footie pjs and boobs

Vagueness, you are a bitch. I would like to stuff my foot down your throat til your shit’s in my shoes and you have to pay my dry cleaning bill. (thanks bad-ass, hood-rat, gangsta Natalie Portman, for the line, not vagueness, Natalie is too cool for vagueness). I am tired of your ‘Woe as me…ho hum…hey, look at this fancy, schmancy, new raincoat’ tricks. Stop opening the door to your life a teensy weensy crack before slamming it shut in my face and distracting me with your shiny and new stuff. You either have something to say or you don’t, I’m not gonna pull it out of you, not even when I remove my shoe from your digestive tract. So, getting to spilling the beans or shut the fuck up already.

In other news, it was markedly warmer last night; I was able to shed a layer or two. I did learn the answer to the age old question: Why do you make the bed if you are just going to mess it back up in a few hours. Apparently, if you use more than 1 sheet or a light blanket when you sleep, you somehow twist those suckers into locker room quality snapping tools and if you don’t straighten them before going back to bed, you will spend the your entire fucking night trying (unsuccessfully I might add) to untangle them.

In further, other news, I freaking love the Aloe Vera socks. I wonder if they make Aloe Vera footie pajamas. If not, can I buy enough of the socks and find someone that loves me (or will accept my complete love and adoration (for as long as the pjs last) as payment because I am pretty sure investing in enough socks to stitch into a pair of footie pajamas is gonna be all the money I got.

In still further, other news, why are pajamas called a pair? Why are jeans called a pair?

In further still, further, other news, I went to the gym today and had a pretty decent run. I was pretty tired and about to stop when Down came on the radio and I was so pumped about it I managed to keep running through the song!

In other, further still, further, other news, I bought a new sports bra and tested it out today. It did a good job keeping everything in place but getting it on was special treat. The bra has a zipper closure in the front and when I bought it I thought that seemed like a good idea – sorta a quick release mechanism once I’m all sweaty from working out. Turns out, holding the two sides together over the boobage while trying to zip the damn thing is nearly impossible. The purpose of a sports bra is to hold everything down so no one, namely me, gets maimed during the working out, but in order to do that, the bra needs to be pretty tight. Pretty tight + a zipper = almost asking the lady next to me to push my boobs down while I zip the zipper.

What a way to start the week.

2 layers and stalking

I had an incredibly productive Sunday. (Yes, I know it's now Monday. Haven't we already discussed this judging?) Well, as productive as one can be while staying buried 5 layers deep in her bed. The temperature was supposed to drop to 14 degrees. That’s not drop BY 14 degrees. That’s drop TO 14 degrees, like the temperature outside is a whopping 14 degrees. Are you kidding me? This is still Florida right? Did I move and not realize it? 14 DEGREES?!

Needless to say, I added 2 more layers, a pair of socks for my hands and a heating pad.

This cold weather is wreaking havoc on my skin, my hands in particular, so I lotioned up and planned to put on a pair of those white, cotton gloves you get with manicure stuff but I took them to work because they are much smaller than regular gloves so I can still kinda type while wearing them. I looked around for another pair and I found a pair of Aloe Vera socks I got for Christmas. I used my MacGyver skills to combine some chapstick, the letter E and green eye shadow to convert those puppies into mittens. (If your MacG skills are not as honed as mine, you can also try just putting your hands into the socks and calling it a day.) Besides keeping me all warmed up, my hands look and feel awesome! I’m gonna test ‘em out on my feet next.

I added the heating pad to the layers for an extra bit of warm toastiness and I blame that addition for not leaving my bed the entire day! Electric blankets must be uhMAzing. I do feel a little bad for using the heating pad for warmth though. My roommate gave himself whiplash the other day when he tried to avoid sitting on my dog in mid sit mode. It was kinda entertaining to watch (if you are a heartless bitch that finds humor in the pain of others). Not that I laughed. Much. He was hunched over for a day or two and he asked to borrow my heating pad but it got super cold so I told him I couldn’t find it. Sucker (hi DP! ; P)

I texted the roomie to deliver me lunch to my room but I didn’t get a response. (And he wonders why I didn’t ‘find’ the heating pad.) So, I did have to get up for food purposes but other than that, I pretty much stayed bundled up on my bed with my computer. And that’s where the productivity comes into play.

I spent a good portion of the morning deciding my votes for the 20sb Bootlegger Awards and that reminded me that I need to update the list of people I virtually stalk my blog roll. So, here are a few more names to add to the list:

no ordinary rollercoaster – this is one of the first blogs I started following. I can’t remember if I found it by way of 20sb or if I found 20sb by way of it. Either way, I am all the better for having found both. Ben, the author, is like the hub of the freaking blogosphere or he pisses champagne, everywhere I go, someone is thanking him or crediting him or linking to him. And frankly, anyone that dresses up as Richard Simmons, spandex and all, and sells cupcakes, door to door, to raise awareness and money for breast cancer is A-OK in my book.

Stoic – I just recently started following this blog and so far, I love it! You know what they say? A picture is worth a thousand words? Tia finds the most amazing photographs to illustrate her thoughts and I really dig that.

More is Better – the sub-title to this blog is Deliciously Vulgar. How can I not be virtual bffs with a girl like this? A recent post about dry humping and used panties solidified her in the highest levels of my esteem.

Blogs by Night – I’m new to this blog as well but I think it’s a keeper. Stephen seems incredibly genuine, if that’s possible via the interwebs, and he makes better cookies than me and takes better photos than me. Yeah, I know neither of these are terribly difficult feats given the travesties I call cookies and photos but I think Stephen is good and he isn’t a douche bag about it.

It’s like I’m…mmmagic! – Brandy is ricockulously funny, even as she is currently going through a special level of hell. Between the ‘secret projects’ and giving sexwear to a 10 year old this blog gives my heart a boner.

I know my Oprah-like skills are pretty powerful so I will end here. I don’t want anyone calling into work this week so you can catch up on all the blogs I read. But if you find yourself with some time on your hands, definitely check these good folks out!